This is a tough one to write. This is one where the words have been articulating in my head all week but I haven't had the guts to really come to terms with them and write them out to see them on a screen. But you, you deserve to have words for you. You deserve the world that was taken so quickly from you. But you fought your way through life and live on through the inspiration you have given me.
I can remember vividly one instance, one holiday where I was probably inside my own head. Worried about my own life, not taking the time to really take in your presence and enjoy your giving spirit. I have always struggled under the notion that my life is always the most important thing going on and on this day I found myself uncomfortable with the hug goodbye I was going to receive. The amount of regret I feel in my heart now is immense and thinking about it breaks me down. You gave the best hugs and always made a point to give out a hug. I think I will always carry that with me from now on because it's something I will always remember from you.
Remember when I was in the hospital? The visit was long but so trivial looking back at it now. I thought it was the end of the world. My world came crashing down around me because my normal started to shift and what I believed my perfect little life should look like turned into this far-fetched dream that I couldn't attain anymore. But you showed up. You drove all the way to see me and show that you loved me. You presence meant the world to me and again in that moment I took you for granted. Oh what I would give to go back and thank you, say I love you Uncle Todd. People always have these regrets in their minds when someone is on the verge of leaving but oh how ungrateful my spirit has become. Oh how giving your spirit always was. You knew the importance of presence and showing up. Oh how I need to learn from you. I need to carry that part of you with me.
Memorial Day was the last time things were normal. I remember your concern over my birthday card in the mail and how you should've just brought the card to our family gathering instead of putting it in the mail and how I had to let you know once I got it. I remember all of us sitting around the fire, just talking on old memories. Some of my favorite times in life are these moments, all of us together reminiscing on the wild things we've done throughout the years. Time does that to you. It allows you to slow down and take everything in. In the midst of all the chaos, looking back on all the things we once thought mattered so much become so small and so trivial. And to think selfish me almost didn't come back for Memorial Day because I had other motives in mind. You made most of our family gatherings a reality. Your spirit was one of togetherness. You had an undeniable ability to bring those you loved together. I need to carry that with me.
Your story is inspiring. The devastation in your life, losing your dad so young. After feeling like I almost lost mine a couple years ago, my mind raced to thoughts of how I could survive without him. How my family could survive without the passion and love he puts into every day life. You experienced that firsthand, and so did you mom. But you guys fought. You fought it out together for the lives you lead now and what glorious examples of the victories we can win if we team up and do things together. Death will never be able to overcome us because we always inside us have the will to fight. And most importantly, you taught that to us. To your son and to Berta. That we cannot be shaken and we will not let this shatter us. We will stick together.
There's a line in one of my favorite songs that sings "death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence but it will not steal your substance" and it's a line my mind keeps wandering back to when I allow it to navigate the depths on how I feel. This line creates imagery so powerful in my mind because of the strength you have shown in this. You lost everything in a matter of days but you still continue to smile for us. You choose to fight on. Your heart is in this. The hope inside of me reflects the hope inside of you. And when yours runs out, I will try to be the hope for you. There is always hope. Even now, when the end is so near. Let the hope of this world run out from underneath us. The hope your spirit will live on is enough to keep me going. You are a fighter.
You are a fighter.
And I think I will always carry that with me.
That's something I will always remember from you.
I'll be a fighter, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment